Every time I say I am going to do it, I don’t. I find myself unable to do the simple things that other teenagers handle easily. It’s like I am being abused over and over and over again. It is hard to describe what it feels like to know that at any moment, anywhere, someone is looking at pictures of me as a little girl being abused by my uncle, and is getting some kind of sick enjoyment from it. My life and my feelings are worse now because the crime has never really stopped and will never really stop. #Cheathappen a story about my uncle fullMy full understanding of what happened to me has only gotten clearer as I have gotten older. When they first discovered what my uncle did, I went to therapy and thought I was getting over this. But I am powerless to stop it, just like I was powerless to stop my uncle. I did not choose to be there, but now I am there forever in pictures that people are using to do sick things. It hurts me to know someone is looking at them-at me-when I was just a little girl being abused for the camera. Sometimes I just go into staring spells when I am caught thinking about what happened and not paying any attention to my surroundings.Įveryday of my life I live in constant fear that someone will see my pictures and recognize me, and that I will be humiliated all over again. Thinking about it is still really painful. For a long time I practiced putting the terrible memories away in my mind. There is a lot I don’t remember, but now I can’t forget, because the disgusting images of what he did to me are still out there on the internet. Now, I will never ride on a motorcycle again as the memories are too upsetting. It’s like I can never get away from what happened to me.Īt the time I was confused, and knew it was wrong and that I didn’t like it, but I also thought it was wrong for me to tell anything bad about my uncle, who said he loved me and bought me things. Even now when I eat beef jerky I get feelings of panic, guilt, and humiliation. And I remember the pictures.Īfter the abuse he would take me to buy my favorite snack which was beef jerky. I remember that much of the time I was with him, I did not have clothes on and that sometimes he made me dress up in lingerie. I remember that he tried to have sex with me and that it hurt even more. I remember that he put his finger in my vagina and that it hurt a lot. He used what I now know are the commonways that abusers get their victims ready for abuse and keep them silent: he told me that I was special, that he loved me, and that we had our own “special secrets.” Since he lived close to our house, my mother and father didn’t suspect anything when I walked over there to spend time with him.Īt first he showed me pornographic movies and then he started doing things to me. My uncle started to abuse me when I was only four years old. I am still discovering all the ways that the abuse and exploitation I suffered has hurt me, has set my life on the wrong course, and destroyed the normal childhood, teenage years, and early adulthood that every one deserves. I am a 19 year-old girl and I am a victim of child sexual abuse and child sexual abuse material (CSAM).
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